OP-ED: Wharton Alliance Should Allow LGBTQ+ Allies to Cissy That Walk!

Blasphemy! The illustrious coalition of LGBTQ+ individuals on campus, cared for by the Wharton School, has actually been a perpetrator of discrimination. But this is not an exposé. I write this because I acknowledge my privilege.

I am sitting my gay ass down and listening. I am learning. I am giving a voice to the marginalized community of queer allies who have been shackled, nay, muzzled, by Wharton Alliance’s hasty rejection of their applications. The thought of a cishet sports-loving deuteragonist being overshadowed disgusts me, for what becomes of his activism if he is unable to use it for those sweet networking purposes? 

Never fear, for listed below are demands that I —a member of the D&I committee, shameless flex— have drafted and shall bring up PROMPTLY and URGENTLY at the next assembly:

1. First and foremost, allies will be granted the unequivocal right to sissy that walk on Locust (dubbed cissy to distinguish them from the gays).
2. Ally applicants shall have their applications reviewed delicately and with fruity sweetness.
3. A 3:1 straight/gay ratio must be maintained for realistic purposes, for if 1 in 3 men are gay then 3 in 1 men are allies.
4. Cishet men/women who are dating in a nebulous queer way shall immediately be VPs of the diversity and inclusion committee.
5. Allies associated with fraternities will be immediately admitted upon a successful lip sync of whatever awful song is always playing at their parties.

During the arduous interview process, individuals are asked the fate-sealing question: “are you a friend of Dorothy’s?”. It is true that I myself have been a victim of this, and although passing the test with flying colors and gaining the right of slayage, I sympathize with those consistently trying to shatter the glass ceiling. Now, I am using this position of power to bring to light the voices of those who had to sashay away too early.