Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

A tragic scene will play out tonight at an off-campus frat house, as local brother Josh Williamson (Ψ ‘25) remains completely ignorant to the fact that his life satisfaction will peak at 2:23 am in a sweaty basement. Reports say that he’ll begin his night by getting excessively intoxicated, spending several hours jumping around to overplayed pop music. Several minutes before his peak, at 2:21, Williamson will meet his one and only soulmate, someone named Sophie or Samantha or Sandy or something like that (? ‘25). They’ll have the most amazing conversation that he’ll never forget before he proceeds to say something absolutely out-of-pocket in his drunken fugue, completely ruining his chances of ever getting with her.

“It’s terrible,” says Jacob Brandon (Ψ ‘24), one of Williamson’s fellow brothers. “Josh doesn’t know this yet, but he’ll remember that entire conversation in excruciating detail. The next morning, he’ll wake up and try to hit her up on Instagram, only to find that she’s already blocked him.

“I can’t determine the full extent of the damage done tonight, but the brothers and I foresee him getting into several mediocre relationships over the next few years that end because of his inability to get over that one girl he meets tonight. We’ll try to talk some sense into him, but ultimately, he’ll be stuck in a cycle of idealizing some person he’ll never meet again.”

Right now, eyewitnesses seem to think that tonight will only mark a temporary setback for his time at Penn, with potential for personal development after he graduates. Experts, however, almost all disagree. “We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets. “Our statistical regressions suggest that after graduation, he’ll get hired at a Philadelphia-area consulting firm through a family friend. He’ll go on a few disastrous Tinder dates that will end after his matches realize he has no personality outside of alcoholism and libido. Most likely, Mr. Williamson will spend his free time going back to campus, pointing at buildings and remarking on ‘the good old days’ to uninterested undergraduates who pass him by.

“As of this moment, his best case scenario is promotion to middle management.”

When reporters attempted to reach Mr. Williamson for comment over Snapchat, they were responded to with several images of him making obscene gestures. He did, however, hold an impromptu press conference from his dorm window in which he stated his intentions to “fuck bitches and get slammed”.