Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary — I Was Just Hungry

Dear Reader,

At one point you were a writer. Upon the free, consensual exchange of our papers through the “peer review” process, I took your spot as writer (as you are well aware). I commend you for having done your due diligence in reading my magnum opus, evidenced by the fact that you complained to the professor about my comments that your writing was far too elementary for a Wharton senior, that it was a horrendous stain on the copious amounts of literature I consume, that it was worthless and, frankly, a waste of my time, and that to keep it brief, your writing was asinine. 

Before I apologize for my bluntness, I would like to preface that I am not apologizing for my opinions. Although you have no ability to defend your arguments (which were nonexistent), I stand by mine. Your writing is horrendous, worthless, asinine, and elementary. Perhaps, for your weak mind, I should tone down my language and say, your writing is really bad, a waste of time, stupid, and low-level. I apologize; I realize that I am still trying to improve your writing through brute force. This is a side effect of the fact that I am hungry now, as I was when I read your atrocious — I mean could-be-improved writing. 

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great! I thoroughly enjoyed how it took me on a trip. My eyes would dart from top to bottom, left to right, trying to detect logic. You are such a complex writer, that after five years of this little game between us, I had to admit defeat. My eyes are permanently crossed, I have clinical depression, and my wife and kids left me. You put up a good fight! My comments on your writing stem from my own inferior mind and my five-years-empty stomach. Please forgive me. I only seek to be able to make my writing as cryptic and esoteric as yours. For now, I will prioritize my gut health so that I never insult such talent again. Off to KCECH dining hall!

Regards, 

Writer/Admirer