Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

As we, the Penn community, overcome darty season and progress to an era marked by frackets, formals, and champagne and shackles events, I’d like to call our attention to an issue masked by these events: the disproportionately high prosecution and incarceration rates among Penn students. Champagne and shackles events celebrate handcuffs, a mechanism of oppression. Alcohol, a mechanism of roofying. People who attend champagne and shackles events flaunt their kinkless privilege on the marginalized furry community of Penn, as well as our brothers and sisters in bondage. This blinding privilege diverts our attention from individuals like me, still suffering under unjust laws. 

The next time you take a girl who doesn’t really like you to a Government and Politics Association champagne and shackles event, think of me. I face an eternal tarnish on my record in the form of an unfair public indecency charge. In fact, I am writing this treatise through my friend who I am calling from inside a DPS cell where I sit naked and afraid. This message is so important it is the second call I made after calling my lawyer, you may have heard of him, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani. 

Since when was streaking a crime? I am giving the people (all gender inclusive) what they want! Since when was graffiti a crime? It’s called street art when I do it! This society is oppressive and Penn goes right along with it. Women are expected to wear clothes?  What do we think this is, the post-2008 financial crisis era? 

The next time you take a sip of Chandon, think about the mechanisms of oppression you exploit. Think about delivering me a sip and perhaps a donation to my GoFundMe or the Innocence Project.