Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.

Many Huntsman frequenters complain that this isn’t the first time that the building’s facilities have been used for unsavory purposes. In 2018, an investigative report published by Under the Button implicated dozens of alumni and faculty members from the real estate department in a scandal regarding their secret usage of Huntsman Hall as a late-night sex dungeon. Of course, there are those who say that getting frisky in the finance classrooms is an integral part of Wharton culture. Just last year, an associate dean for the Wharton School was forced to resign after public outcry over the administration’s plans to rename the group sex rooms to “group study rooms”.

According to their website, the Edge Fund aims to be a safe place for “bears and bulls alike… who wish to [expand] pumping and dump individual assets in pursuit of exponential growth.” When reached for comment, Edge Fund chairwoman Alice Harnwell (W '23) explained that the abandoned articles were “accidentally left there, probably by other people who weren’t [them].

“Look,” she continued, “we’ve been hard at work trying to get our initial pubic offering on the market for some time now, and sometimes you gotta let loose.” When we attempted to reach her chief of staff for further explanation, he was too busy gnashing his teeth together to give a coherent response.

At press time, GBMers were asking for permission to release.