“He Is JP Morgan” and 7 Other Lies to Tell About What Your Dad Does

We’ve all been there. You’re talking to the kid whose net worth rivals a member of the Bahraini royal family (in certain cases, they may be a member of said family — we’ll cover that next). Yet you were raised in a poor, scanty 2,500 square foot suburban home in California.

The conversation turns to what your father does for a living. Shit. How can you best hide your family’s crippling mediocrity? You can’t let them find out he’s an HR director.

Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine.

Try one of these seven easy lies about your dad's profession to leave this exchange with your honor unscathed.

(1) Does bank stuff

(2) Anesthesio-biologist(sp?)

(3) Operating Thetan VIII in the Church of Scientology

(4) U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack

(5) Indie pop sensation

(6) Inventor of the Bop-It™

(7) Wanted fine art thief

And look at that — with one of these simple fibs you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation away from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?