Transition of Power! UTB Appoints Chinese Authority

新年快乐! Gone are the days of white rulers –woman and twink alike– leading with an iron fist, and here are the days of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). At UTB (Under The Button), we value diversity and pride ourselves on the inclusion of many; therefore, we have all unequivocally and collectively and unanimously decided to appoint the one and only Liwa Sun as our editoress-in-chief; we quite literally had our first meeting of the semester on the first day of the Chinese New Year under said Chinese authority, isn't that beautiful? We understand that this may be a time of adjustment for our readers, and we are here to support you – but, you shall revel in the age of Chinese hegemony whether you like it or not. Please read this statement (modeled after Penn’s very own!) released by all of UTB’s white members regarding their solidarity, efforts, and how they’re “sitting [their] white asses down and listening”:

“Diversity, equity, and inclusion are essential to Liwa’s and her co-poc’s success. Diversity fosters intellectually humorous writing. Equity is not necessarily vital for our society, but to our practice as hilarious writers. An inclusive environment allows each individual to flourish to their fullest potential.

In recognition of these values, we commit to engage, educate, support, recognize, and recruit *GOOD* writers based on their work and ideas, independently of – but like lowkey especially considering – their individual characteristics of race, gender, sexual orientation, age, national origin, religion, disability, socioeconomic status, citizenship, and cultural background.

These values are not new. Nonetheless, Penn often fails to live up to our ideals, so we pick up the slack.”

Wow! Now wasn’t that rather eloquent? Apply to UTB and you too can receive/write such gorgeous official statements that praise our leader in an authoritarian but also coquette way.