Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

A local writing seminar was left in shock last Tuesday after hearing an intranational student introduce himself during an icebreaker. Arthur Hayward (C ‘26), who originally hails from the distant city of Newark, New Jersey, stunned his classmates as he expounded upon his name, major, and one (1) fun fact in impeccable Standard American English. 

“His English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher. “He doesn’t even have that much of an accent.”

After the writing seminar let out, Under the Button spoke with the remarkable intranational young man to learn more about his exotic background.

Under the Button: So tell me about where you’re from.

Arthur Hayward: Uh, I’m from New Jersey?

UTB: But where are you really from?

AH: Dude, what are you talking about? I’m from New Jersey.

UTB: No need to be so hostile, I’m just asking questions. Do you speak any other languages?

AH: I don’t know man, I only speak English. I’m white. I took one year of Spanish in high school, I guess.

UTB: Oh my gosh! That’s so cool? Can you say my name in your native language?

AH: Listen dude, I gotta get to class. Get out of my way.

Hayward then pushed our reporter in a bush, where he briefly lost consciousness. When he came to press time, UTB reporters were asking Hayward whether he liked the food in America, and if New Jerseyites eat normal food like burgers and hot dogs.