BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures

Human remains and the Penn Museum go hand in hand. Historically, the museum sourced these from multiple avenues. Grave robbing being the most admirable. Penn students have benefitted since the advent of anthropology from the Penn Museum's generous endowment of body parts. However, during the summer of 2020, the Penn Museum’s board learned about this thing called “racism.” The feeling of guilt was insatiable and had never been felt before, so they did the right thing. Or started to. Or said that they would. Or made a committee to? It’s unclear. The main point is that they say they were going to repatriate the human remains of the Morton Cranial Collection, so there’s a new need for objects to study. 

Luckily, there’s a readily available group of supple bodies: undergraduates. Starting this fall, the Penn Museum will castrate every new student during New Student Orientation. If you don’t abide, your academic registration will be put on hold. Bodily autonomy is important, and that’s why Penn Museum is starting this new initiative to learn about it in their Introduction to Anthropology course! First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members! Not lewdly, of course. This is an academic setting.