Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.

Upon realizing them real lies, Penn students have expressed their nagging discontent with the fact that the school has been feeding them glorified soap bars. In a statement released by President Liz Magill, she apologized for the “horrendous error in student dining” and “to award [her] please with another chance as [her] planned event with the Penn Outdoors Club, “Dougie or Die Darty,” will be next Saturday.” However, in a positive light, the second-year president has announced a new implementation that will be enacted by the end of January 2023. The now-defunct guacamole will serve a new purpose that befits it most: inside every soap dispenser in all bathrooms! 

Students will be able to rinse their hands with a scientifically-proven and frankly more ethical method of washing—made exclusively by the small-business, ever so friendly La Plancha employees. Check your bathrooms to see if they’ve gone green, literally! Don’t fret if your guilty pleasure is meal-swipe meals, though! With new additions of Monterey Jack Cheese and chopped lettuce toppings, you’ll still have an awesome hard-as-rock rice burrito without missing that detergent taste.

Ooh… egad… It smells a little un poco podrigo in Huntsman Hall now…