SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind. 

Blonde, dry-shampooed wavy bobs, hefty thunderous hips, and undefeatable Scandinavian banter delivered with sneaky smirks. It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs. And Penn’s medical community knows this. Hands that have built fires out of pebbles for centuries, hands that pop joints and crack bones for breakfast, hands that make one feel at home. 

In preparation for the surge in unemployment among physicians and nurses, food stamps and Barnes Foundation guest passes will be offered to those who refuse to give up their western medical “education”  in lieu of Nordic deep-tissue massaging techniques. For those who are ready for re-education, Penn will subsidize a one-week training program in the heart of the Shärts.

Soon enough, the campus will be struck awake not by the hounding sounds of technology-powered alarms, but by a practice so deep it transcends time and space. The simple, yet riveting soundtrack of bones shattering and joints pulverizing under the pressure of a pair of strong hands. And not any hands -- hands that have descended from the great North Germanic Vikings of an era long gone. Hands that swiftly manufacture millions of low-cost cabinets all around the world. Hands that viciously clap to celebrate mediocre Eurovision performances. Past and present, their legacy lives on. This is utopia and we are all part of it.

Note from the editor: Penn’s redirection of funds will enable further investment in fossil fuels.