OMG They’re Gonna Love It: College Green Fence Masks Surprise Low-Income Housing Project

So, I’m gonna write like the fourth article on the College Green Fence this week. Whatever. We are starved for content here so this is what you get, and you better be happy with it. Kind of like how section 8 housing works. 

Yeah, so it’s crazy, we have all been wondering what the fence’s purpose is. We can’t really see through it, but if you really want to you can figure out what’s behind it. And if you do, it will probably leave you with more questions than answers. I peeked down from the sixth floor of Van Pelt and there’s literally nothing there. There’s a 2002 Ford Taurus for some reason, but nothing else. They’re literally just gatekeeping grass right now. Key words: right now. 

UTB recently gained access to some classified information, once again outperforming the DP in our duty to protect, serve, educate, and live laugh love the Penn student body. Turns out “Liz” Magill is pretty susceptible to “Rizz” Magee (what my closest friends call me) but not so keen on informing the public about our relationship. So I was able to trade one week of silence for some details about those fences.

After we literally had sex with each other, Liz excitedly told me about the board’s plans for College Green. She sounded like one of those girls who was really into BuildOn in high school, but who just ended up making like ¾ of a water well in New Mexico over the course of 10 weeks. Liz laid out the plan, continually reassuring me how the poor renters of Philadelphia “were gonna be super stoked on us.” The blueprints included a huge water slide, a permanent ice cream truck, and, most importantly, housing units. 

I, for one, am super stoked on Penn. Today more than ever I am proud to be a student here. For once, we are doing the right thing. Go us! Yay Penn!