“Hey, Don’t Do That Please.” Penn Security Meekly Says to Army of Rabid Jaywalkers

Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.

My team and I at UTB engaged in a special operation to observe the all-mighty powers of Penn’s indefatigable security force. Our mission? To understand the ways of the world’s most elite peacekeepers. 

There was only one logical place to start our investigation — at 34th and Walnut Street. Jaywalking central. For everyday Hill College House residents, traversing this perilous intersection to get to Locust means crossing twice. And oftentimes, eager students don’t want to wait for a green light. How does Penn Security handle this egregious safety risk?

We disguised ourselves as Hill residents by not showering and audibly complaining about our CIS classes to people who weren’t interested. We also made sure to insert “actually, Hill was my first choice” into every conversation — this really sealed the deal. After befriending a lovable pack of misfits from Hill Red 3, we walked with them towards 34th and Walnut. We were immediately confronted with an authoritative red hand signal. I knew what this meant; the road was impassable. Nevertheless, my newfound peers wanted to push ahead and try their luck. 

Penn Security took notice from across the street. Game, set, match. Here we go. 

“Hey,” I heard one security guard say. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks as their ears perked up, like Pavolvian dogs. “Don't do that, please,” he continued. As if whipped into a trance, the jaywalkers obeyed. Astonished, I asked a Hill resident why they decided not to cross. “He said not to,” one said. “I respond well to men in yellow shirts,” another commented. “We were doing something bad and now we know not to,” one explained.

The ways of Penn Security continue to be an enigma. They are efficient, effective, and yellow. They are taken seriously. And they keep us safe. God Bless Penn Security, and God Bless America.