What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable

Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?! This student just posted something on Sidechat that isn’t completely miserable. 

Almost 3 hours ago freshman Sam Dukakis posted “I just want to thank my group of friends for really helping me thrive academically and socially this semester.” What. The. Fuck?! Who allowed this jerk to post this bullshit? Everyone knows Sidechat is only for morose regret that reminds readers they chose the wrong school. Rightfully so, Penn students are outraged.

“Sidechat is where I go to read about people failing their midterms, being rejected by their crushes, and battling their depression,” said Sidechat regular Aliza Redd. “I don’t want to hear about some optimistic stupid message.” 

Other students noted that Dukakis’ post was insensitive and inconsiderate. “I just think that good news ultimately should be kept to oneself and ideally never even happen,” said sophomore Lisa Kahn. Mr. Dukakis could not be reached for comment about his post but in the meantime Sidechat has been inundated with new posts to drown out Dukakis’. “Really it’s a burden on me,” said Aliza. “Now I have to go into overtime creating memes about how much I hate my life at Penn in order to drown this asshole out.”

Thankfully, rumors circulating insist Dukakis has been ostracized from his NSO friend group he’s still kept and has subsequently sunk into deep depression. Maybe now he’ll finally post something acceptable. 

At press time Dukakis’ post was sitting at -13 karma with commenters stating they prefer the Greekrank spam bot to “whatever this completely unrealistic crap is.”