“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture

My GSWS 0106 “What Happened on January 6th and Why That Should Make You Vegan” professor calls herself “woke.” Her shoes are not just made from faux leather, they’re made from recycled plastic and are therefore vegan. Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. She is the preeminent “vegan teacher.” An archetypical enlightened woman. 

Now imagine my surprise after I hauled my a** – that is sacred, mine to give, and mine to love – over to her 8:30 a.m. lecture housed in Hayden Hall and found that she was nowhere to be found. I had called all of my Dixie relatives and stuck it to the man by telling them how “woke” and “lib” Dr. Hypocritical (Ancient Greek for Awesome) is. I felt like an, pardon my ableist language, idiot. Dr. Hypocritical FAILED to meet the minimum requirement of wokeness: being woke. Had she quiet quit? Only then would I accept this absence as a part of her wokeness. 

A few days later, I received a text message from Dr. Hypocritical explaining that she refused to apologize for her absence but would grant a PSA about life-life balance. “Me-time is as important as the Me Too Movement. What better way to get some me-time than to play slot machines over Vodka Cranberries?” I assume Dr. Hypocritical did not wake up easily the next morning… so much for woke.