I'm Done With These Halal Food Trucks, Point Me To The Haram Ones

I am writing this a day before the holy month of Ramadan, and although this article may be untimely, I shall tackle a rather important issue we have here at Penn. Far too many days have gone by with me overhearing “I’m gonna get halal” or being asked “Should we get halal for lunch” or straight up being asked “Could I get chicken over rice with only white sauce” (the last statement being made by crackers who can’t handle the ‘red’ sauce and somehow think I’m a halal food truck worker). Anyways, I pose two important questions here: 

1) Why do people think “halal” is a type of cuisine? It’s like kosher. You wouldn’t say “I’m gonna go get some kosher” would you? That was not a rhetorical question I genuinely don’t know.

2) Where can morally disillusioned people such as myself get “haram food”? Is there a place for it on campus? Now that one’s rhetorical because I’ve looked for the antithesis of these halal food trucks for quite some time now. I can safely say that I am rather disappointed with the lack!

I think that maybe, just maybe, commons shouldn’t shut down this summer and instead rebrand as a “haram dining hall”; I mean they already serve questionably sourced and cooked meat so like what’s the harm. OR Darties a la St Patty's and Spring Fling should rebrand as haram and unionize with the food trucks -- mashallah!