Hill Dining Hall Harvests the Meat From Biopond, Lights Up the Grill

March 18th, 2023 began like any normal St Patty’s Day. Breathalyzers read 0.5 when exposed to the open air. Darties were beginning and getting shut down in the same exact millisecond. Eagles jerseys emerged from their drawers for the first time since Patrick Mabitchmotherfucker cheated the Birds out of the Superbowl. Life was as it should be.

Such tranquility did not last. This holy day honoring a beloved doctor of the Catholic Church quickly became the scene of a heinous crime when a beloved campus locale, the Biopond, was defaced with bloody animal remains. Questions naturally abounded. Who was behind this? Would there be consequences? Was this a hate crime?

Newsflash! None of these questions matter! We need to focus on what’s really important, and that’s that there is a tender slab of pork wasting away in the depths of the pond! A pig gave its life to us and we don’t even have the decency to shred its remains into a barbecue pulled pork sandwich topped with Louisiana coleslaw? Have some decency!

Luckily, our friends over at Hill Dining Hall came to the rescue and were more than willing to incorporate this delicious ingredient into their menu. In fact, witnesses eating at Hill on the day of the incident report smelling the smoke of a 1996 George Foreman grill mere minutes after the meat was discovered. Meanwhile, four undercover Hill workers beat the Penn police to the crime scene with dirt bikes and used scuba gear to harvest the meat from beneath the mounds of algae and debris.

Hill’s manager was through the roof over this stunning find. “For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water? Besides, I think that the various pond parasites and tapeworms add a really nice touch to the meal that will set us apart from other dining halls and, most importantly, provide a fantastic dining experience to Penn students.”