Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian

Last week, the freshman class at Penn were given three days to select their residences for the 2023-24 school year. However, the medium for these selections, My Home At Penn, frequently stalled out and experienced other shortages during the time slots. It was previously thought that these technical difficulties came as a result of the thousands of students hoping to get “an 03 room on the Rodin top floors,” yet this was soon proven false. What was discovered in its place was a new culprit: a local militia trying to claim The Radian as their own.

When contacting the militia, they identified themselves as “from the area” with no elaboration. We were given a phone number to contact them for a follow-up, and here, we found their true secret – a 610 area code. This means they are likely members of a lower caste (the Philadelphia suburbs), attempting to establish concrete ties with the city of Philadelphia after years of societal rejection. This coup was not simply The Radian being “fully booked,” but The Radian losing its autonomy for greater purposes. 

With this takeover came violence. The militia, with members in the hundreds, stormed the complex and took everyone in the balcony lounge hostage. Most residents of The Radian have been left unscathed, although this can’t be physically verified. The elevators in building were reportedly downed with the coup, so few signs of life have left the premises. However, there are known food sources within The Radian; several boxes of leftover White Claws were discovered from a pre-professional fraternity’s “coffee chats.”

A standoff ensued between the militia and the Penn community. After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up. The community is unsure whether or not Penn will be able to meet these demands.

Penn officials are currently in the process of reclaiming the apartment complex. Police units are stationed within &pizza and Hummus, awaiting any rogue Doordashers working for the insurgents. Updates to come.