Faking Interest, 第四个

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome! If you have any issues that require our assistance, fret not and submit your questions here.

Dear Maya and Carey, 

This weekend, I’m planning on going out to dinner with a friend and her mom. I’ve met her mom a couple of times, but I don’t believe I’ve made much of a positive impact. I’m worried that she’s going to be very critical of a facet of my past that I’ve been reluctant to share. Hopefully, you can help me think of a way to avoid this subject. Anyway – my deep, dark secret is that I… have never eaten pie. Not even once. The worst part is that we are having dinner at a pie shop!! What do I do?!

Concerned, 

Pie Alamode

Hi Pie Alamode, 

You’ve NEVER eaten pie? Not even once? What about apple? What about French Silky Chocolate? What about minced meat? What about Pot (pie)? Have you never had a pie eating competition after naming all of the presidents in Fourth Grade? Neither have we ha ha that would’ve been weird. To avoid this topic, we suggest you order a safe meal – like one would at a first date! For example, astronaut ice cream. Or perhaps hard boiled eggs (3). If possible, pack your own meal in a brown paper bag and make sure to keep a cyanide pill in your tooth. 

Love,

Maya and Carey, Winners of the Perry World House Pie-Baking Competition, and Today Our Clothes Match

Dear Maya and Carey,

I can’t even open any tabs. I’m writing this on my friend’s expensive Macbook Pro and I’m scared to break it. She is gonna need it back soon so I’ll make this quick. I had too many tabs open and many windows and various games open. So many tabs and windows, I couldn’t even open any more. And the worst part is I was walking by some shirtless guys playing beach volleyball and the volleyball rolled over to me and one of them was like, “hey, can you pass?” So, I passed the volleyball and obviously I accidentally threw my computer with it. There is no hope. 

Sincerely,

A Diligent Student

Hello Diligent Student,

Thank you for reaching out to us with your concerns. Unfortunately, in this modern day and age, you definitely need a computer in order to complete your schoolwork. We are very good students and we know that a computer will never provide any source of distraction. It is the perfect tool for completing all of your schoolwork and you definitely can't do anything on there like online shop or anything like that. So anyways, you need to get it fixed because it will only help you be more productive. 

You are strong. You are brave. You can get through this. 

Love, 

Maya and Carey, Certified Geniuses and Anti-Technology Advocates

Maya and Carey,

I recently traveled to the Leadville Fish Hatchery and I found not a single employee in sight. I am worried about the fish. How do you expect them to grow into well-adjusted, socially aware fish with no employees present?

Thanks,

Amelia Urquhart

Hi Amelia,

Can’t believe you’ve been there! We’ve been planning a vacation there for YEARS. We just want to get it right. A lot is riding on our Leadville Fish Hatchery trip.

Circling back, you said that there are no employees? Are they hiring? Did you see any “We are Hiring” signs? Is there a number we could call? We are just two, very tall and beautiful girls, and we wanna have some fun! And where could you have more fun than at the Leadville Fish Hatchery. 

Love,

Maya and Carey, Esq.