Announcing Your Summer Internship on LinkedIn, Finding a Subletter, and Other Alternatives to Marijuana to Try This Week

According to a recent study by the Wharton Marketing department, frequent marijuana use can set you back from your bikini body. As a self-educated health and wellness guru, here are some methods to ensure you end the week with what looks like the beginning of a summer glow: 

1. Announcing your summer internship on LinkedIn 

The era of privacy is over (live laugh Big Data). To win back your autonomy, I’d recommend sharing your exact location and what office you’ll be located in for the entire summer so everyone on the internet can see. Everyone in your network will care so much and find you a really cool and interesting person. I like to compare the exotic high you receive from posting with a big fat middle finger to the 896 internships you got rejected from. This is just the mature way of doing it.  

2. Finding a subletter  

Ok, so what you’re gonna want to do for this one is reach out to everyone you know, even if you only know them through the 7th degree (irrelevant to the intensity of the high). Don’t forget your ex-lab partner’s roommate’s older sister’s TA’s Big. Also, don’t forget to ask every single GroupMe you’ve ever been a part of if anyone is interested in subletting. Everyone in the chats will admire you for being so on top of your finances. Overcharging subletters is also a great way to make some summer side hustle money. Bonus points if you overcharge the FGLI students. I heard from this white dude in my finance class that overcharging the FGLI students is better than smoking Godfather OG. Once you finally add that beautiful soul to your sublease, the euphoric thrill that will run through your veins will make you forget you’re off the Za. 

3. Crack cocaine