BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite

A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027. Indeed, Penn has demonstrated a commitment to providing access to academic excellence for underrepresented minorities, but the decision to accept a student from such a historically underserved region has only deepened the University’s commitment and marked it as an admissions pioneer among top institutions. 

Lower Merion, Pennsylvania is a small village nestled between the Appalachian foothills. The town got electricity after the Tennessee Valley Authority installed a hydroelectric turbine near a stagnant creek in 2019. When the wind blows strong enough, the stirring current can provide one house enough power to heat up a bag of instant rice. 

The town is not known for its academic excellence. In fact, many eligible Lower Merioniters receive federal vouchers to attend the one-room Amish schoolhouse (boys and girls are separated) down the road. That a student from such an unfortunate locale has matriculated to Pennsylvania’s top school is nothing short of a miracle. 

Dean of Admissions Whitney Soule offered a blurb: “I can’t believe it took them fourteen years to build the Sydney Opera House! I mean, it’s nice, but it shouldn’t’ve taken that long. Sorry, what were we talking about?”

As the early admissions deadline for the class of 2028 creeps up, Penn’s commitment to geographic diversity is sure to elicit a wave of applications, serving as testament to a tangible and prolonged mission to admit a representative cross-section of the world. For each lobotomized, coastal elite, two-loving-parent-having, occasional skier, engaged-in-spectacle prospective PPE major it takes, the Penn Office of Admissions pledges to accept an additional 13 Wasians.