7 Tips to Rush in the Eyes of Jesus

Rush season on college campuses across the United States is not a time of holiness. Sinning runs rampant; intoxication, fornication, and spiritual deprivation all accompany “Meeting the Bros” or “dirty rushing.” Any word preceded by “dirty” is not an activity that a good Christian soul should partake in. However, there is a way to do away with this filth and rush piously, how Jesus would. Here are seven tips to rush in the same vein as the Messiah: 

1.  Avoid “coffee chats” on Sunday mornings and afternoons. Don’t be the barrier between your future brothers and their own Christian brotherhood. 

2.  Try not to discuss controversial topics while rushing and getting to know the brothers. For example: evolution, Adam and [st]Eve, what you did that one night you snuck into church when you were 15, etc. 

3.  Always be sure to bring your purity ring to all events and socials; you don’t want the brothers to have any doubts about your purity status. If the Jonas Brothers could pull it off, so can you! 

4.  Be sure to have a Bible verse in your social media bios. You’re already a member of one brotherhood – the Christian brotherhood – so be out and proud (but avoid too many references to “pride”)! We recommend these verses: Deuteronomy 23:1*, Leviticus 20:15**, Proverbs 21:9***

5.  Be sure to only consume bread and wine when at parties; ingesting other substances may insinuate that you adhere to other ideologies, such as Hinduism or keto. 

6.  If you successfully make it to closed rush or get a bid, it’s finally time to sit your future brothers down and discuss with them how they can be saved from their inevitable fiery end. 

7.  You’re now a pledge! Congrats. On the first night of pledging, tell all the brothers that you have a deep, dark secret. Reveal to the group a map, hidden in a secret jacket pocket. This map leads to a hidden location deep in the Poconos, wherein a part of The Cross was hidden away from the public by your great-great-great grandfather right after he immigrated to America from Europe. How he acquired this piece – no one knows. All that your forefathers after him know is that the piece exists and will bring great fame and fortune to the first family member to retrieve it. Many have tried and failed; your older brother was already lost to the mysterious Appalachian Mountains while embarking on this journey. You are next. You will become the family member to succeed. Pledging was simply a step in this process; your brothers are now your fellow warriors. Time is running… 

Hopefully, with these tips, you can become successful in all your rushing prospects Remember, don’t be afraid to search for outside assistance! ’Bama rush girls have their rush consultants, and you have your trusty priest and frequent confessionals. Happy rushing! 

*“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” 

**“If a man lies with an animal, he shall surely be put to death, and you shall kill the animal.” 

*** ”Better to live on a corner of the roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”