REPORT: $80 For a Farm Wristband Seems Like a Lot, Phi Delt Brother Acknowledges

Events, events, I want to go to events. Take me to your events. 

Nowhere in Pennsylvania – nay, the world – will you find a more diverse crowd than the line of people outside the Phi Delt chapter house during the 15-minute interchange between the end of 1:45 classes and 3:30 classes. This line has everything: Paul Mitchell 7N demipermanent, Paul Mitchell demipermanent 10WB, and even a natural brunette!

In an effort to make the wristband queue a more civil space, Phi Delt announced Monday that it would promote healthier discussions on campus by allowing only one user to socialize with a brother at a time. “Imagine you were having dinner with five or six friends and everyone just spoke at the same time—it wouldn’t work, because no one would be able to understand what anyone else was saying!” said Phi Delt President Mr. Delt, explaining that the situation was even more complicated with Locust Walk and its approximately ten thousand daily users, who, under the new policy, would each be added to a central queue and given a chance to share their unbecoming and relatively meek life story with a brother as soon as their number was called via lottery draw. 

The new policy implementation will serve to make Farm a more inclusive, welcoming, and intellectually stimulating space. Unlike other Penn traditions, Farm dares to ask: what if we pumped a bunch of young adults full of nicotine and seed oils and asked them to perform a simulacrum of America’s hearty population of agricultural laborers? What if $80 was a high price to pay, but still costs less than a brand new pair of overalls purchased with the sole purpose of having something to cosplay with at a farm-themed event? What if we were so far removed from it all that the lie became the truth?

Farm, a classic bit of Penn-infused-Americana, is not, in fact, based on what farms were/are like; it’s someone’s idea of what it means to live off the land, which then spread mimetically from the actual physical events that had been carefully orchestrated by Penn’s most venerated Greek organizationss to Instagram Stories, which then acted as “proof” that the imaginary farms were real, creating a social expectation of what “Farm” looks like that the Penn student body felt pressured to fulfill. 

TLDR: It’s a psy-op. Go milk a goat.