Recently Reunited Long Distance Couples Confirm That My Dorm Is Definitely the Best Place to Study on Campus

I’d take the liberty of calling myself a fairly observant person. I’ve indeed noticed the empty condom Ziplocs stapled to the walls of my residential house’s hallways (the ones labeled “safe sex is great sex!”,  you know the deal). I’ve taken note of the glowing red LED strip lights in the windows of the highrises. Sometimes the banging noises coming from my upstairs neighbor become a bit too rhythmic. 

While these phenomena are to be expected in college, I think there could have been an alternate reality where I enjoyed a more G-rated transition into sophomore year, or at least PG-13. 12 days into the semester and I’ve involuntarily become a voyeur for one too many couples. It’s getting out of control. 

I had to bring it up to my friends once I observed the same couple sharing the lingering flavors of last night’s Commons meal on the bench right outside my window for the THIRD DAY IN A ROW. There has to be some sort of exhibitionist aspect to it at this point. 

What the fuck are y’all paying housing fees for if you’re gonna take that shit outside? I’ll admit there are softer mattresses on the market, but at least the ones in our dorms are softer than the benches lining Locust! 

Perhaps these displays are for some class project I’m simply unaware of. The gender, sexuality, and women’s studies department grows by the day. Or maybe, I should loosen the reins on my business studies and devote more of my time to studying anatomy.