My Roommate Did Something Genius And I Will Never Forgive Her

TRANSCRIPT OF KERRIE SULLIVAN’S POLICE INTERVIEW

DET. KREUGER: Tell me what happened. You’ve gotta.

SULLIVAN: Sometimes mistakes happen.

DET. KREUGER: Mistakes like this don’t just happen. You think you’re clever. I can tell. I’m clever-er.

SULLIVAN: Look man, I didn’t mean to.

DET. KREUGER: I’m just not convinced. This is something that requires months of dedicated planning and thoughtful execution.

SULLIVAN: That wasn’t it. It was just spur of the moment. I would never plan something like that. 

DET. KREUGER: So you mean to tell me you woke up that morning with no intention of committing that act. Hard to believe. Can you walk me through your day?

SULLIVAN: Sure. I woke up. Sorta just went about my business as usual. I guess maybe I was a little off. 

DET. KRUEGER: And why was that? Anything of note happen?

SULLIVAN: That morning I accidentally pulled the silverware drawer all the way out and it all fell on my foot. It was unexpected. Nothing like that had ever happened.

Det. Krueger and Det. Williams departed the room briefly.

DET. KREUGER: Alright Kerrie. Can I call you Kerrie?

SULLIVAN: Fine by me. 

DET. KRUEGER: We're gonna cut to the chase. We know exactly what happened. Friday morning, you drop the silverware. Friday night, at some point between 9:12PM and 10:07PM, you hang an orange EMO brand hammock up inside of your home. 

SULLIVAN: I would never do that!

DET. KRUEGER: We have proof. Your fingerprints are on the support beam. Plus your roommate, Maia Roosevelt, was with you right prior to that window, in a hammock-less living room, at which time you stated: "I really don't like only having the couch to sit on in the living room. I wish we had a nice little sturdy piece of fabric hung up between two different posts that I could swing around in". Got anything to say about that?

SULLIVAN: That fucking bitch. 

Thirty seconds lapse.

SULLIVAN: Fine. But I won't apologize. And I'm not gonna be locked up for this. I have information you're going to want to hear. 

Sullivan pointed at Security Guard Jenny Franq.

SULLIVAN: She sits in it more than I even do.

DET. KREUGER: Franq? I never would have expected this from you. You're going away for a long, long time. 

Det. Krueger escorted Franq out of the room in handcuffs.