Health Inspectors "Take It All Back" Now That Commons Moved Dessert Section Four Feet Left

Literally licking the floor in glee, the same Philadelphia health inspectors that recorded 21 health violations in 1920 Commons last semester announced that they “take it all back” now that the dining hall moved the dessert section four feet to the left. “We were really disappointed with the state of Penn Dining last February,” stated health inspector Janice Janicsky. “But we were hopeful when Penn released a statement that they were ‘‘taking both immediate and long-term actions to ensure results like this do not occur again.’ Now, a whole semester later, I’m proud to see that they totally delivered by moving the dessert section just a mere four feet to the left.”

“I used to actually hate commons,” said Julia Flecks (C '25). “Like I literally could not eat a single thing there. But now that they moved their dessert section four feet to the left I literally can’t get enough. I just sit at those big round tables with the weird condiment stains and do my homework for hours with the girls.”

Workers at Penn’s other dining vicinities have been taking notes of Common’s recent renovations and are wondering what steps they can take to also move their dessert sections only slightly to the left. 

At press time, Director of Hospitality Services Pam Lampitt was reportedly standing on a swivel chair hanging a crayon-colored postered titled “Welkcome to Hill Dinig Dining!” above the entrance. “It’s the little things that count,” she winked before she lost balance.