OP-ED: I Just Saw You Piss On Ben Franklin And You Definitely Need To Hydrate

Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. That piss is yellow as hell. 

This is a rite of passage dude. Ben Franklin is the pilgrimage to Mecca for weak-bladdered boys all across campus. And you’re just gonna disrespect Ben like that? I’m sorry, but you definitely need to drink some more water. 

But don’t worry dude. I’m only being hard on you cause I love you. You’re my day-one NSO guy: we were at Backlot together before it got shut down. And see all those guys walking around Locust with one-gallon Wawa water jugs? Why do you think they carry those around? To seem cool? No bro. They do it ‘cause they learned their lesson. They were just like you once: peeing straight gold onto Ben Franklin’s lap. But I was there for them, and just like them, I’m there for you. 

Tell me your secrets. Tell me your deepest desires. Tell me how often you drink water if you drink it at all. And then let’s work together. Let’s hydrate. In no time I can get you to a point of euphoric tranquility: complete purity in the mind and the bladder. Clarity in the brain and in your piss. We can do it, but it’s a two-way street.

Let’s go to champagne and shackles tomorrow night. Let’s stay after and play pong with the brothers but we’ll cut our beer with tap water in a 1:2 ratio. That way we multitask. It’s a clear piss semester from here on out. Keep your head up king.