Classic! Delusional Dumb Friend Makes Eye Contact With Crush, Now It's Everyones Problem

My phone in my front right pant pocket buzzes once… then again… then one final time. I look down thinking it may be a phone call… no, it’s even worse.

It's that one annoying bitch in that damn group chat I swore I put on mute. 

“OMG.”

“OMG.”

“GUYS YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME," she triple texts.

“John… you guys know John, right?” (The very obvious gay twink in her gender studies class)

“Well, I turned to face my right, because the girl next to me was threatening suicide, and John was looking RIGHT AT ME.” 

How can someone be so oblivious, so delusional, so desperate for love that two seconds of eye contact sets off signals of serotonin within their tiny, ludicrous brain?

I sigh as I read the text. The group chat is silent.

“OMG bitch, he’s so into you!” I reply.