Finally: LinkedIn Now Includes Section For Waist Size

Now that I have entered my sophomore skinny era, it is time for employers to take into consideration my skinny waist. Just under Education and above the silly little Honors & Awards lies Waist Size.

I may not know who JP Morgan is but trust me, my size 2 waist is the real investment. 

In our current state of economy, it’s like, extremely important for jobs to move away from boring accolades and titles and progress into a more… figurative evaluation… figure-ative evaluation. Because, think about it, who the fuck is going to look at me and know that I tutored kids in Calculus (boring), assisted in pancreatic research (random sidequest), and did several hours of community service (NOT HOT)... no one. But what employers will see is how snatched I look, and that’s like, really good for brand image.