You Bitch, You! Professor Cancels Class Due to Vague Reasoning, Comes Back with Killer Face Lift

Snatched as the day is long…

On Friday, October 27, 2023, Professor Donna Werd alerted her students via a Canvas notification that class will be cancelled for the next week due to unforeseen personal circumstances. Condolences from faculty and staff (and delight from students) ensued, with distinct radio silence from Werd herself.

After a mere week had passed, it became evident that these unforeseen personal circumstances were of cosmetic nature. Professor Werd, PhD in Human Rights and Refugee Advocacy from Cambridge University, had received a killer facelift. 

In an astonishingly short period of one week, the swelling reduced to reveal supple, taut skin. The 75-year-old professor emeritus was repeatedly asked what classes she was taking next semester, mistaken for an undergrad. Posts on sidechat sheepishly declared that “Prof Werd could lowkey get it haha.”

Her lectures quickly became devoid of all emotion, as her facial expressions have become diminished, substituted for a more Victoria Beckham type demeanor. Waitlists for her lectures grew as students lined up to see Werd’s defined cheekbones. Werd is reportedly considering other cosmetic procedures in the future, aligning with winter break, spring break, etc. to avoid further cancellations. If necessary, she will use a long weekend. 

She will be attending Fiji date night next week, the belle of the ball.