Girl Scouts Cookies? Sorry, I Only Buy From For-Profit Entities

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are! Let’s break it down:

1. Why do I refuse to ‘do good’ in this world, you may ask? It’s not me, it’s you. I can’t afford to give you any morsel of happiness from your high horse, or breadcrumbs of satisfaction from the moral high ground you perch upon. Everyone is intrinsically selfish. At least for-profit entities don't pretend to hide their greed. We all know this is just a charade to fill up the hole in your life left by that situationship last semester. I cannot consensually participate.

2. Volunteering is so outdated (sorry). Doing stuff for free really brings me back to the pre-mercantile age. You know they invented capitalism for a reason, right? Not to come off as too Wharton, but why would you do anything for free? I Venmo charge my mates when I spot them during Pottruck workouts. People are literally trading friendships on the blockchain nowadays. Get with the times!

3. I’m not hungry

Sorry, not sorry, to you and your Girl Scouts cookies. Philanthropy is cringe. Misanthropy is in.