BREAKING: I Act Visibly Emotionally Tortured Each Time I Pass a Campus Tour

I, a student at the University of Pennsylvania, walked past a campus tour yesterday. As I maneuvered my way through the little packs of judgemental Asian families comparing their own children to me, I felt something familiar come over me, something that I just couldn’t control. 

To the soundtrack of a Kite and Key guide yapping about Huntsman, my face morphed into how I imagine a woman who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer looks after she gets left by her husband of thirty years for his younger, cancer-free secretary, wondering why the man she loved with all she had no longer believes in their marital vows to each other–recalling their wedding day, she remembers him looking deep into her eyes and saying, ”in sickness and in health,”–and then she slowly fades away…

Anyways, the high schoolers looked at me with a vague sense of concern, and I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”. As those ignorant prospective students began whispering to their parents in a worried tone, a euphoric sense of pride swept over me.

To tie it all up in a theatrical manner, I looked over my shoulder as I walked away, and let a single tear roll down my cheek. It was a beautifully crafted moment of heightened emotional drama that I hope my audience will always remember. 

In conclusion, I will continue to devote myself to single-handedly increasing the number of Penn applicants who search up “Is Penn the most depressed Ivy?” on Reddit.