Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

LOCUST WALK, PENN CAMPUS – Fed up with Israel’s genocide and feeling helpless within the establishment resistance movement, the brothers of Phi Gamma Delta this week decided to direct their frustration towards a noble cause of their own. This Friday around noon, they plan to post up out front their crib and race. Race for a solution. Race for peace. Race for, of course, a ceasefire. 

The idea is simple, and pretty genius. Four teams of four. 120 Miller High Lifes. First team to crush 30 wins. The event is sure to be a nail-biter, as other great case races of history have shown us. I mean, we all remember Castle’s 2009 “Case Race for Bank Bailouts” and the Board of Trustees’ landmark 2018 “Case Race for Big Oil,” two all-star showdowns that had significant bearing on the political atmospheres of their time. 

And this time, modern technology has made it so that the fundraising aspect of this event really has no limits. The frat, in conjunction with Penn Sports Gambling Club and a certain “Tony from the CIS department who is hella cracked at algorithms,” has designed a Fanduel-like mobile app for spectators to bet on the results of the race. I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow! Huge chiller. 

All this to say that Fiji’s Case Race for Palestine is sure to be one for the ages. Make sure to show out this Friday in support of a noble cause. And who knows, maybe you could even make a buck or two. See you all there!