Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A new report released this morning from my chauffeur, James, suggests that I could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania even if my parents weren’t Penn alumni. The study was commissioned on my daily drive from The Chestnut to Pottruck after I asked James if I would ever live up to my parents’ legacy or if I would be yet another washed-up nepo baby, wandering driftlessly through life with lots of money but no purpose. “Of course, sir,” the report begins. “Even if your father hadn’t donated enough money to get that small reading room in Stouffer-Mayer named after you, I am perfectly confident you could have gotten into the University on your own merits.” 

“You may not be as smart as your parents, but I am sure you are still very smart and that they are very proud of you.”

University administrators celebrated the release of the news. “After the turmoil last semester with that whole thing in the Middle East, we are very pleased with the Kwee-Bintoro family’s financial support,” stated a spokesperson for acting President J. Larry Jameson. “It was our honor to accept a student as academically distinguished as Ted, who only got a couple of Bs in high school and once won an honorable mention for his volcano replica at his elementary school’s science fair.”

At press time, I paid an Asian kid who looks vaguely like me to take my MATH 2400 Friday quizzes instead.