Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

COLLEGE GREEN, PENN CAMPUS – Fellow Quakers, I’m standing here on the steps of Van Pelt and I’m beholding something truly inspiring. Veemo Schmelock, an upandoming prospect for first pick in the 2024 Penn President Draft, is putting himself on the MAP. The 43-year-old co-director of unsolicited Hillel emails has taken it upon himself to host an Israeli Writers Conference.

Schmelock has invited such prolific and respected individuals as Peter the Palestine Eater, Davey “Fromdablock” Altman, and @Thurlboul42_genocide (Twitter famous). People on campus seem really stoked about it, which is dope. There’s at least forty people here. I’m just taking in the sunshine and remarking how nice it is that so many impassioned individuals are able to get together and bond over something they love. No matter your politics, I think we can all respect that.

Oh, no… oh, wait. Nah, nevermind. There are all these other people here who are mad about it. Oh shit they have bricks, like literal clay bricks. They boutta throw them jawns? Oh hell nah I’m out dis hoe. 

OK, I’m back in the DP office. That was crazy, Peter the Palestine Eater literally ate someone guys! WTF! Silver lining potentially though because maybe I’ll get quoted in the New York Times or on CNN or something. Wasn’t it kinda crazy when shit like that happened last semester? I wasn’t here I was in Paris I was abroad last semester.  

So yeah, Veemo Schmelock seems like the real deal. And I don’t know, something about that name just says, “Penn President.” He’s got that X-factor. Huntsman is pretty lit about it.