BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

As the national debate around the merit of legacy students at elite universities swirls, Penn has answered cries for equality by restricting its qualifications for legacy status. Now, to qualify as a legacy applicant, potential Quakers must be conceived at SkiBT. 

“We respect the familial desire to continue the chain of a prestigious and rigorous education through the generations,” said Provost John L. Jackson Jr. “That is why we are not getting rid of legacy status entirely, merely restricting it to those conceived at or directly post SkiBT.”

Penn officials added that a special legacy status, giving applicants an even larger leg up, will be transferred to those whose parents were either a brother in the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity or just an avid coke user throughout their time at Penn.