4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

Despite the seemingly endless love in the air this time of year, some of us on campus are just stuck in their no hoes-having, no dick-sucking, no rizz-employing ways. And unfortunately, living together with these undesirable types can kind of be a bummer. That’s why, this Valentine’s Day, we at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play. Read below: 

1. Replace their vitamin D gummies with edibles. A lack of sun isn’t causing their problems, social anxiety is. So give them either way less or way more with a daily unconsentual dose of THC.
2. Let them know you’re here to listen… but at 45 minutes make sure they pay you your hourly therapy rate. If they need a therapist they need to pay for one. know your worth. self-care is important too.
3. Make a unique self-care kit for your friends. A little gift goes a long way in improving someone’s mood. Some ideas of things to include: a Newport cigarette (or a whole pack if you are of a certain tax bracket), tickets to a winter show at the Opera, and a Deer Park Spring water from Houston.
4. Consider sucking your bro off. This one is kinda self-explanatory, and kinda a last resort. For some.