OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.

If you haven’t heard about it in the news recently, the Wharton Graduate Association is in a little bit of hot water. Our mishandling of charity funds have strained our relationship with the greater Philadelphia community. My peers are losing confidence in our ability to serve as an effective student government, and several of our members have already resigned in protest. The Penn community’s shaken trust in our leadership threatens our ability to hold successful Fight Nights in the future. The Boys & Girls Clubs of Philadelphia have even gone so far as to plead with us, telling us that “[the] kids really need this money.” And even if no one’s saying it, the question’s looming large in everyone’s minds: Are we really doing this for the kids? Or are we just in it for the cash? As controversy brews, I realize we haven’t been transparent with the Penn student body; my guilty conscience implores me to speak out.

I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the WGA, took that money. But I swear it went to an equally good cause, if not better.

Allow me to break down where the funds went, in the form of a balance sheet, which is a thing that I do as a business student:

• $165,000 was raised from ticket sales and donations to PFN ‘23.
• ($60,000) was successfully donated to the Boys and Girls Clubs of Philadelphia, where it will go to programs for underprivileged youth with an emphasis on literacy initiatives.
• ($90,000) went to funding my extravagant cocaine addiction.
• ($5,000) went to ???? ??? ????? fuck if i know

I also provide this information in graphical form, for your convenience:

I understand that this news will dishearten many. As I look in the eyes of the boys and girls towards whom that money could have gone, all I can think is: “Thank God I’m all coked-up right now. I’d probably feel pretty bad otherwise.” But hey, everyone makes an oopsie or two sometimes. And I hope you all will find it in your hearts to forgive me, just as I have forgiven myself. It would be great if we could all forget about this now. Or at least long enough for me to launch my campaign for the WGA presidency and win. Sorry about the money again guys; vote Ted 2024.