Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain

UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.

But as he finished scooping, wiping, and rinsing, a glimmer emanating from the shower drain caught his eye. “Could it be?” he thought. No… no. Impossible. He had heard legends of the Quad’s riches lying encased in age-old copper piping used by America’s elites for centuries, and he couldn’t ignore that shine coming from below.

But as he drilled open the freshly cleaned drain cover, setting it aside to peer into the great deep, Ben was once again taken by surprise. Rather than an immense collection of historical riches, he was met with a scaly, hard, gray-ish object protruding slightly from the pipe. Unsheathing his tools and setting to work, he began to peel back the layers to this mystery object from down below. After 45 minutes of work, he was left with a truly stunning piece of collective might. The boys, sorry… no. The men of Franklin second floor hall had put together a simply astonishing piece of work. Measuring 106 inches in length and roughly 15 inches in diameter at its thickest, Ben had really caught a prize. It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.