Faking Interest

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome! 

Dear Maya and Carey,

I don’t know how to put this but my dreams appear to be coming true. At first, it was little things like dreaming that a friend had bought a blue shirt and the next day there it was. Next, I dreamt that all my teeth had fallen out and I was just gums. That was painful (and expensive). But what really scares me is that last night I had a dream that I was opening for Dua Lipa on her upcoming tour in support of her third studio album, Radical Optimism. In the dream, I even upstaged her and had the stadium begging for more. I don’t know how to pull this off, I don’t know how to play any instruments. What should I do to avoid being the opening act for Dua Lipa?

Best,

Werd Lipur 

Dear Werd Lipur,

A friend once said to us that dreams are the gateway into your soul, guarded by the gate that is your own personal insecurities. It clearly seems to us as though you are ashamed of your musical abilities and terrified at where they might lead you in life. We, as moral and responsible members of society, feel that upstaging Dua Lipa is perhaps the worst thing a person could ever do. Just like when that robot beat that human in chess – it would scare people, make them fear for the future, and wish for a return to The Good Ol' Days. The first step towards solving this problem is for you to burn all your Brahms scores and to throw your grand piano out the window (it must fall in a way that makes that cartoon-y piano breaking sounds). We wish you luck.

Love,

Maya and Carey, Fans of Clara Schumann and Board Certified Dentists

Hi Maya and Carey,

I hope you guys are having a great day. Something has been weighing on my conscience and I just have to get it off my chest. The other day I was out to dinner (happy hour) and like I honestly don’t know how it happened but the restaurant had these really cute salt and pepper shakers and somehow they both ended up in my purse and then ended up in my house and now I just use them. Once again, I have no clue how it happened. Then what happened was that a friend came over and was like “those look like the salt and pepper shakers from Loco Pez” and I was all like “hahah no they aren’t haha I wouldn’t know haha I’ve actually never been there”. So yes I did play it off really well but I’m just kinda anxious that my friend is going to report me to the authorities and I just really can’t deal with another felony conviction in my life.

Warmly,

I can’t say because of the bounty on my head

Dear I can’t say because of the bounty on my head,

We know how difficult a felony conviction can be. We advise you to pack up your most important things (iPad accessories, Victoria’s Secret gift card(s), and toe socks) and leave the country. Head straight for the Mexican border, don’t even look back. Not even once. 

Love, 

Maya and Carey, Former MI6 agents and Victoria’s Secret angels 

Dear Maya and Carey,

I’ve recently been hyper fixated on the idea of the difference between a national treasure and America's sweetheart. For example, Reese Witherspoon is America's sweetheart whereas Meryl Streep is a national treasure. Usually, the distinction is quite clear. There is one key figure that holds a bidimensionality: Rob Lowe. Where does he fit on this binary?

All things good and well,

Sarica Jessicah Parker

Dear Sarica,

If there’s one thing we would describe ourselves as, it is people who agree with your sentiments! Similar to the discussion of actor vs. star, our nation is plagued by the lack of clarity around this subject. Household names can be a blight, a plague that inundates our milieu with banality. Names like Rob Lowe may be recognizable, but they are prone to losing their intrinsic qualities that make them true to their very core. For this reason, and a multitude more that are not worth getting into right now due to the stringent limits of print, declare Rob Lowe a secret third thing. He lacks a place within a binary, but is awarded a platform within a ternary. 

Love, 

Maya and Carey, Advocates of the Replacement of TV Writers with Artificial Intelligence Systems and #teamaiden