Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

PHILADELPHIA — As the sun rose upon the sleepy campus of the University of Pennsylvania, with birds chirping mellifluously amidst the backdrop of a marvelously azure sky, the Penn community reported a eudaimonic feeling of peace. Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be. Spontaneous cheers could be heard after the University decided to cancel finals week, inviting undergraduates and professors alike to “enjoy the weather” and “take a well-deserved break.”

In a statement issued this afternoon, prominent donor and Penn alumnus Marc Rowan (W ‘84) celebrated the cheery atmosphere. “I know we may have our differences from time to time. But despite that, we can nonetheless take the time to sit down, acknowledge that we only want the best for each other, and truly understand each other through compassion and mature dialogue."

“At the end of the day, we all share the common heritage of humanity, and I couldn’t be prouder to call myself a Quaker,” he concluded as he joined President Liz Magill and dozens of students from all different walks of life in an impromptu game of frisbee on College Green. 

At press time, clouds occluded the sun and demonstrators spontaneously materialized on the high-rise field, hurling vitriol and horrific insults at each other.