Damnit! Local Student Rehearses Question Three Times Before Raising Hand, Still Fucks Up

A scene of utter humiliation played out in an intermediate economics class last Friday when, in spite of her best efforts, local student Jane Tsao (C ‘24) raised her hand in the middle of class to ask a question and then proceeded to completely butcher whatever it was she had to say. Witnesses say that Tsao rehearsed her question thrice under her breath before raising her hand, only to sputter out something entirely unintelligible, completely destroying any credibility she had remaining.

“It was the funniest fucking thing – ever!” remarked her professor, Dr. Newton Walker. “She just raised her hand, looking like a total goober. I remember seeing her and thinking to myself, ‘God, this kid is gonna say the stupidest shit.’ And then I called on her and she was all like, ‘Uhh… so like, elasticity, or what’s it called, or no, supply – how is supply affected by the elasticity of… uh… firms?’

“At that point, I just gave her ‘the look’ and she started crying. I mean, she was completely blubbering. I didn’t even need to kick her out: she just ran out the door on her own.”

Reports suggest that after she ran out of class, she headed directly to the Registrar’s office, where she attempted to formally withdraw from the University. However, President Elizabeth Magill denied her withdrawal application, simply so that she could personally kick Tsao out herself. When UTB reached her office for comment, a representative stated that “at the University of Pennsylvania… [we have] a zero-tolerance policy for boneheaded buffoons whose parents aren’t even rich enough to donate a small library.”

At press time, Tsao was in the process of transferring into Harvard to complete her political science degree. She reportedly wanted to go to Columbia at first – but not even they wanted her.