Report: After Budget Cuts, Penn East Asian Studies Department Can Only Afford to Study Local Sophomore Lucas Kim

Earlier this week, the Penn Department of East Asian Languages and Civilizations announced that it would only have the funding to study Lucas Kim (E ‘26) amidst a broader wave of budget cuts affecting humanities and social sciences departments nationwide. Kim, whose parents were born in Seoul and moved to the United States in 1997, was specifically chosen for his ability to provide insight into the unique practices and customs of the Chinese people. Even though he only speaks English (but took a few semesters of Spanish in high school), Kim has so far been the subject of publications such as “Measuring the Sensitivity of Japanese Consumers to Inflation by Tracking Lucas Kim’s Valorant Purchases” and “Queering Representations of the East Asian Diaspora: Conversations with Lucas Kim, a Heterosexual Man.”

In an interview, Penn professor of Chinese sociology Liam Schmidt explained that restricting East Asian scholars to Lucas Kim, while unique, was a nonetheless effective way to preserve scholastic productivity in the face of tough budgetary constraints. “[Lucas] Kim has been an outstanding resource for our department this year,” he began. 

“I recently concluded a longitudinal study in which I called him five times between the hours of 1:00 and 6:00 AM EST to see how his responses would evolve, and my findings were extremely insightful — while most Americans would offer a simple ‘fuck you’ and hang up the phone, Mr. Kim instead insisted that he would engage in coitus with my mother, illuminating just how collectivist and family-driven Chinese society is.”

“The selection of Lucas is an incredible way to elevate marginalized voices while acknowledging the fiscal realities of our times,” he concluded.

At press time, Kim asked a UTB reporter who the hell Confucius is.