Paid Advertisement: Penn Mock Trial Team Searching for White Male Pervert to Play Role of Jeffrey Epstein

Are you white? Are you male? Are you a known pervert, or perchance even a registered sex offender? Do you own an island, on which you and your friends Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Stephen Hawking commit the most horrific sexual crimes that the human mind can conceive of, things that would make a moral man convulse and vomit and pray to God for shrieking vengeance upon this Earth? In the near future, do you plan on having the FBI arrange for your assassination and then frame it as a suicide despite the fact that you were under around-the-clock surveillance ordered with the direct intention of preventing you from committing suicide? If you fit this description, then the Penn Mock Trial Team wants YOU to become our newest member!

"Here on the Penn Mock Trial Team, we are firmly committed to portraying the full reality of the justice system. That's why, when we decided to conduct a mock Epstein trial, we knew that we needed a white male pervert who committed the same exact crimes as Jeffrey, down to the smallest, most minute detail. I could not go to sleep at night knowing that I, while playing the fictional role of a lawyer, called another innocent human being a vile pedophile and international sex trafficker. However, my sleep scheduele would not be affected if the person I was calling a vile pedophile and international sex trafficker truly was a vile pedophile and international sex trafficker."

Other roles currently accepting auditions include:

Heavily obese Jewish man with a propensity for sexual harassment and extensive film industry experience to play Harvey Weinstein. 

Middle-aged African-American pedophile with a urination fetish and angelic singing voice to play R. Kelly.

Comedian Louis C.K. to play comedian Louis C.K. We would love nothing more than to meet the man himself, and then to convict the man himself in a court of law by the unanimous decision of a jury of his peers.

To apply, email pennmocktrial@upenn.edu with your resume and a bulleted list of your foulest, most reprehensible sex crimes. We look forward to putting you in a concrete cell where you belong!