Penn Announces Use of Nuclear Weapons in Fisher Hassenfeld Renovations

PHILADELPHIA, PA — This week, Executive Director of Design and Construction of Facilities and Real Estate Services and Having Long Job-Titles and Wearing Hard Hats, Paul Pruitt, unveiled the final leg of the historic Quadrangle’s three-phased renovations aimed at combating mold.

Donning a hazmat suit at the shockingly casual press conference on College Green, Pruitt announced the Fisher Hassenfeld construction project had been revamped to include the removal of sinks from bedrooms, new elevators, furniture upkeep, and nuclear annihilation. 

Wait, what was that last one?

Said Pruitt, “Look, we tried everything on Riepe and Ware—bleach, power-washing, pretending it doesn’t exist—but this mold just won’t quit.”

While the announcement was met with cheers from most of the audience, skeptics were invited to a post-conference meeting in the third-floor McKean bathrooms, a location widely regarded as ground-zero for mold-infestation on campus. Memorial services will be held for them in the coming weeks.

Students and faculty alike are advised to keep windows closed and prepare for “mild interruptions” during this time, including noise elevation, scaffolding, and radiation poisoning.