Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked

On Monday, September 9, 2024, a local student (NAME WITHHELD FOR ANONYMITY) was found staggering in a semi-conscious haze across High Rise field. “I must not steal,” he was heard muttering to himself as he staggered across the grass. “I must not steal.” 

The student was rushed to the nearest hospital, where he regained consciousness. Members of UTB staff were given the exclusive opportunity to speak with the student upon his recovery.

The student recalls that he entered the Pret-a-Manger at 11:52 am. “The line was too long,” he said. “I thought I could disappear into the masses.” So he chose a "Bang Bang Chicken Wrap" from the refrigerated section and turned to leave. No sooner had he crossed the threshold to the outdoor seating area, however, did he hear a shrill, high-pitched scream reverberate through the establishment. “It was like nothing I had ever heard before,” he recalls. “My brain shook within my skull.” He turned around to see a maroon-clad blur rushing upon him in slow motion. “She was so tall and strong. All I could do was run.” Run he did – and he made it all the way across the bridge, onlookers say, until he was tackled to the ground outside of the Class of 1920 Commons. 

The Pret-a-Manger worker snatched the Bang Bang Chicken Wrap from his clammy hands, kicked him back to the ground, and spanked his rear repeatedly with it, while screeching, “BAD! BAD! BAD!” until the Bang Bang Chicken Wrap was reduced to an inedible mess. She threw the Bang Bang Chicken Wrap to the ground, and stomped it into a pulp. She then gave the student a tender kiss on the forehead, and walked away.

The perpetrator, 4’11”, has since been promoted to manager.