Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill

Following the recent protests and consequent regulations, Scary Larry won’t be caught off guard again. We reached out to Jameson for comment, but he just flashed a holster and our reporter pussied out. Real recognizes real, Larry. Our reporter was quickly shown out by his secretary who was holding a sock full of batteries.

In addition to the new Office of Religious and Ethnic Inclusion, the Interim Supreme Leader said that next steps may include an Office of Cyberspace Moderation. Measures taken will be modeled after the Great Firewall (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it). “Surveillance offers a fantastic opportunity to bring us together by quashing dissent” was the official statement we received from the Board of Trustees, which felt kinda derivative but whatever. 

Additionally, our undercover investigative probe discovered that the recent slow wifi may be a result of a breach of the mainframe to exploit the encryption of the dark web servers, which revealed that I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Nonetheless, this new technology may offer internship opportunities for our sharpest and very unemployed CS majors.

DISCLAIMER: Lare-Bear, I totally 100% unequivocally agree with you. The other side is completely irrational and I don’t know how they can think that. Please don’t put a hold on my email too.