Student Learns That the Slow Descent of Becoming Just Like Their Unstable, Alcoholic Parents Is Actually Awesome

As the first month of the semester comes to a close, so have initiations. It is important to remember all the fun experiences and friends we made: the struggle of sleep deprivation; the intimate experiences with Ben Franklin; getting excited from elephant walks. Student Evan Clark (C ’28) learned, however, that turning into his alcoholic parents was the most fun experience of all!

Month after month he vowed that he would be different; he said that he would never be like them, that they made his childhood a living hell. Now, after weeks of pledging at his fraternity, he has gained empathy for them. Drinking has never been so cool.

Clark recounted that as a child he thought of this as a tragedy. His family was evicted from several homes because they spent their rent money on Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan. Clark looked at them with resentment; now he’s selling his University-provided furniture just to have the refreshingly artificial taste of a Four Loko again. It provides the most pleasure he’s ever gotten.

Clark tells us that he used to hide in his closet after his parents would come home intoxicated and angry, fearing their physical wrath. However, he now understands their perspective. Now he knows what it’s like working 8 hours every day slaving away on data sets and writing assignments with no benefits and zero self-fulfillment. He’s surprised he hasn’t punched someone sooner, describing the experience as ethereal. 

Clark doesn’t describe himself as an alcoholic, however; rather, he is a connoisseur of the Lites. He claims that it’s not a problem until you graduate. Note: this opinion expressed by Clark is the student’s own and does not reflect the views of Under the Button (even though we all agree). 

He ends his talk with us with one final sentiment: “I can’t wait to do this every single day for the rest of my life!” Clark has officially washed off his naivety to embrace the sobering truth that being a raging alcoholic is fucking awesome.