How Was My Summer Internship? Two Words: Clash of Clans Town Hall Level Seven

Wow, your summer internship at Blackstone sounds like it was a powerful experience. Yes, managing those Excel spreadsheets must have been a deeply moving, spiritual experience. Hmh, spending eight hours per day watching your boss rip lines of cocaine and touch himself under his desk was surely an educational experience. Hey, why don't we keep saying the word experience preceded by a different adjective until we run out of adjectives to use? Meaningful experience, invaluable experience, invigorating experience! Experience experience experience!

How was my summer internship? I thought I already told you. Clash of Clans town hall level seven. No, that's not an investment bank. Well, in some sense of the word it is, since I invested upwards of seven million golden doubloons into upgrading my town hall from level one to level seven, not to mention the necessary auxiliary investments into wizard towers and elixir storages that are required to even gain approval to upgrade the town hall in the first place. But in the other sense of the word, no. Clash of Clans is not an investment bank, in case you thought that.

Still, it was a great experience. I never met or even held a conversation with any of my coworkers, since my clan was called عشاق الإباحية and was comprised of me and forty-nine elderly men living in the Middle East who used the gamechat as a means of sharing pornography without government supervision. How was the pay? Negative. My salary was zero dollars and I used my parents' credit card to purchase four hundred and fifty dollars worth of gems to speed up building wait times. In the business world, we call this practice "debt financing."

Like any great internship, there were more than a few run-ins with the human resources department (twenty-seven that I remember, undoubtedly more during my daily grain alcohol blackouts). Public Service Announcement: if you're planning on making a treasonous threat against your nation, don't make it on an Apple mobile phone game, and definitely don't make it to closest and most trusted advisor of the Saudi prince.

Return offer? Nope. I guess I'll just have to go work for my father at JP Morgan like some bum. As the Buddha says, life is suffering, and the only way to alleviate it is Clash of Clans or percocets.