Beware: The Tickle Monster Is Coming to Crows

 ALPHA CHI RHO, PENN CAMPUS — As they geared up for an exciting weekend of drinking, drugs, and fire alarms, the Crows brotherhood received a devastating letter; it wrote, “Tee hee hee heeeee!” Yes, it was written in Italics. While the letter had no return address, they immediately knew who it was from: the Tickle Monster.

This devious individual has been making his rounds: sneakily tasing people at AEPi; getting into the armpits of Elmo-goers; reports indicate he even attended the $70 scam parties that follow you on Instagram. 

Crows will not be cancelling or postponing any parties at this time, saying the Tickle Monster will just bring more fun. However, out of discretion, the brothers have announced they will remain cautious. They will tell their bouncer to kindly inform all attendees that a “special guest” may be showing up. For good measure, they also say there will be an index-card-sized warning sign behind the DJ booth regarding the Tickle Monster.

Breaking: In this recent update, the Tickle Monster has been identified and arrested at Crows. Thomas “Ickle” Muenster (E ’26) was seen fleeing after SWAT teams raided Crows following reports of underage drinking and toe-tickling. Not any of the other scandalous things that happen there — why would they? 

The Tickle Monster was tackled, put in handcuffs, and forced to do the Locust Walk of shame with two FBI agents at his side. Tomatoes and toast were thrown, students extracted revenge and tickled him back before being carried away by other police officers, and a surprising amount of people informed him that they knew his mother on a deep, personal level.  

Under the Button will be hosting a “Tickle Monster Execution” watch party on October 12 (pizza and refreshments will be provided). We can all celebrate and rejoice, being able to sleep peacefully knowing this public menace is off our campus.